What is Positive Masculinity?
Toxic masculinity is so pervasive, so a part of our every-day culture, that sometimes it’s difficult to recognize. Sometimes, it’s difficult to remember what is positive masculinity. As a male yoga instructor and practitioner of 20 years, I can tell you first hand that toxic masculinity even poisons the hallowed halls of the yoga studio.
Often, sports heros, movie stars, and musicians are our role models yet quite often they do not give us the best example.
And let’s just speak to the elephant in the room, here, and I’m not talking about Ganesha (though I think his axe could be used to remove some of the obstacles along the path of our greater good)— I’m speaking of the astounding and tragic number of men in the yoga world who have abused their power as a teacher and taken advantage of their female students.
I’m talking about the sexual abuses from some of the biggest names in the yoga world, including Patabhi Jois, BKS Iyengar, Yogi Bhajan, Bikram Choudhury, and John Friend, just to name the tip of the iceberg.
Not enough men have spoken out against these crimes. That itself is a crime.
Where are our role models, for Ganesha’s sake? Whether it’s John Wayne or Tupac Shakur, what does being famous have to do with being a positive role model?
I mean really, what does positive masculinity even look like?
Honestly, I’m just as lost as the next guy, but I think I am getting better and better at being able to recognize toxic masculinity. I was scrolling through social media (as you do) and someone posted what in my opinion was perhaps one of the least helpful, limited, and blind “guide” to masculine traits, all of which pointed to idiotic things like how much cash you have in your pocket, whether or not you allow someone to buy your meal, or never allowing yourself to be disrespected by a woman.
Please! If what it means to be “masculine” is whether or not you allow someone else to buy your beer, than we’re lost.
So as an exercise for myself, I decided to rewrite many of these axioms to perhaps point us all (most of all myself) toward what it means to be positively masculine.
The following are a few of my ideas of what it means to be positive masculine which not limited to men and can apply to anyone who identifies as masculine.
My intention is to defy the old toxic, patriarchal, and domination-style paradigm of what it means to be “masculine.”
This list is by no means definitive, it’s just a stab in what I hope is a good direction.
Please offer other pointers in the comments.
(ok, enough qualifiers)
Positive Masculine Pointers
1. Maintain positive self-love, learn to keep healthy boundaries, and stay open to the possibility of healing any wound.
2. Attract respect from EVERYONE by respecting EVERYONE.
3. Be comfortable looking people in the eyes (in cultures where that is a sign of respect).
4. It's not your job to impress other people.
5. Your worth is not tied to your ability to make money or buy things.
6. Acknowledge your intrinsic worth and always work toward your best self.
7. Protect the vulnerable, respect everyone, defy hate.
8. Be mindful as you speak, speak honestly from your heart, and learn to respond rather than react—your words are your most powerful force.
9. Every good relationship requires your best work.
10. Value listening more than speaking.
11. Every person deserves to thrive.
12. Don't go where you're not invited and it never hurts to kindly ask for what you want.
13. Treat money as the friend who you love to be around and who you love to share.
14. Keep a regular and exquisite maintenance schedule for your body with sleep, nutrition, and exercise—it's the most valuable, sophisticated, and rewarding machine you'll ever drive.
15. Show yourself and others respect by dressing well, no matter the occasion.